Welcome to Reverend Wayne Austin Goodchild's official blog. Not that there's an unofficial one...

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...all work on here is copyright wayne goodchild, unless otherwise stated, you cheeky monkeys...

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


I'll be getting my story, Bob The Piano, published in The Cynic on the 1st September! Hurrah! They story involves a young man, who gets advice from a brick.

Saturday, 25 July 2009


Yep, full info here:


Funkatronic 5000 is a relic from World War 2, who's been restored to his former glory as a music-creation machine. Every episode features F5000 waxing lyrical about being a robot, and his favourite bands. The buzzwords for the debut episode are: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sexy machines, Rob Zombie, electronica and rock music.

And when you google 'The World's Only Robot-Generated Podcast' this post comes up near the top of the first page, which, as far as I'm concerned, makes it 100% FACT!!!!!!!!

Friday, 24 July 2009


Last night I watched 'The Happening', and was disappointed to discover it wasn't about a hippy music festival. ZING! And if there was ever such a thing as a 'non-film', this would be it.

After M. Night Shyamalan had released a few films, folks started saying the biggest twist he could pull off would be by making a film without a twist, and The Happening could technically be that movie (let's ignore Lady In The Water, as that film's a complete waste of time).

For those who haven't seen the film, stop reading now. Unless you want me to ruin a film that manages to ruin itself within about 30 minutes.

Mark Wahlberg's a slightly geeky teacher, who uses hip kid speak like 'whack' so as to connect with his pupils. Bryce Dallas Howard isn't his wife, but the equally strange-eyed Zooey Deschanel is (although I kept thinking she was actually his kid sister, as they had as much chemistry as siblings, rather than lovers). They end up running away from the wind, with their friend's kid in tow.

Yeah, the wind. Talk about cheap special effects. The Happening has enough shots of treetops moving in the breeze you could cut all those bits out and compile a stock footage DVD.

Something's spreading throughout a section of the US, causing people to act a bit weird, then kill themselves. Initial scenes of builders throwing themselves off scaffolding, and later scenes of people hanging from trees and lying down in front of lawnmowers work well, building up a decent sense of "WHAAA?!". For the record, that's a technical movie term I learnt at film school. And then Mark Wahlberg meets a kooky gardener who suggests plants are attacking us.


Not triffids, or anything cool like that. Just spores and seeds and pollen. There's the suggestion early on that terrorists have found a way to trigger suicides in people, or maybe it's radiation or aliens...? Nope, sorry, it's killer hay fever. What this ASTOUNDING reveal means is that M. Night Shyamalan can use it to ram a grade school eco message down your throat: WE'RE KILLING THE PLANET AND NOW IT'S KILLING US! Holy shit, that's deep!

Which brings me neatly back to my initial comment of The Happening being a 'non-film'. There is no point to this movie, except to sporadically kill people off in interesting ways. When, at the end of the film, someone's figured out it was the plants sending out a 'warning', this still doesn't change anything. There's no panic about recycling, or scenes of world powers taking it seriously and trying to implement anti-pollution laws or anything like that. Instead, the explanation is regarded as a little bit "alright grandad, take your medicine", and everybody continues on just as they did before things went weird. And please, hold your applause for the proper ending, where the 'happening' starts to 'happen' in Russia or somewhere. OOOOOOEEEEEOOOOO! SPOOKY!

Nevermind the ill-judged humour, awful clunky dialogue (nb. Mr Shyamalan: nobody talks the way you have them speak in this movie. The 'hotdog' conversation actually counts as negative comedy), and complete non-starter of a plot. This film has maybe a couple of genuinely excellent scenes, and one of them 'happens' right near the end, at an old farm. Although 'props' (as Wahlberg's character would say) have to go to Shyamalan for having two kids get shotgunned at point blank range. Other than that, The Happening is a total waste of time.

And why is it called The Happening? I think once in the whole film Wahlberg goes "what's happening?" - the rest of the time everyone keeps calling it 'an' or 'the' Event. I think the biggest twist M Night Shyamalan pulled off is convincing the world he's a decent filmmaker. ZING!

Thursday, 23 July 2009


Yes. So. Banksy.

If you've not heard of him, he's a graffiti artist who's risen to the upper echelons of the current art world. And no-one knows what he looks like.

A short while ago, visitors to and staff of Bristol Museum turned up to find the place closed. Turned out Banksy was in there, putting work up. The current exhibit 'Banksy vs Museum' is the result.

One room is chock full of his own work, from massive paintings to smaller, cheeky pictures. Some are too obvious to be funny (a picture stencilled with 'This Is Not A Photo Opportunity' and a painting showing the House of Commons filled with chimps are two of the weaker pieces), but there are more than enough works of art to compensate. Highlights in the 'Banksy Room' include a picture stencilled with 'The secret to great art is in the composition' (where the last half of 'composition' is obscured by the frame) and a Victorian painting unchanged apart from a pair of googly eyes.

In the 'main hall' are a series of cages. Again, there're a few obvious jokes (fish fingers in a fish bowl, a rabbit putting on make-up) but these are also eclipsed by the truly original pieces. Perhaps the most disturbing of which is a large cage containing Tweety Pie, who sits there, slowly, wearily breathing, completely bald and looking more like a deformed old man than a cartoon star.

There are plenty more bits of Banksy scattered throughout the museum - and it is this that is arguably the main point of the exhibit. By interspersing his work among the existing paintings. models, etc, he forces you to look closely at ALL the art. Clever bugger.

If you're in Bristol before 31st August, I recommend it. It's free. You just need to be prepared for a 2 1/2 hour wait if you're unlucky hahaha oh dear.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009


Or employ lateral thinking.

That's it.

Monday, 20 July 2009

EFF YOU! ooo nice vax

OMG I like so totally hate the world right now! Eff you world, I'm going to wear more black and listen to Avenged Sevenfold until I cry myself to sleep!!!111 I HATE U MOM

I visited Currys earlier today with my dad and looked at vacuum cleaners. There is only one type of vax that cleans carpets and isn't an upright. TRUE STORY!


Congratulations if you came here from LIBRARY OF THE LIVING DEAD - you've not only made me proud but your mother proud, and Jesus proud, and all the orphans proud too.

And on that note, as they say, "God hates a coward"

Sunday, 19 July 2009


THIS ZINE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE have picked up my short story 'Weather Report', and will be running it in January. That's a bit of a wait but at least it's something to put in your diaries!

Weather Report is a mix of black comedy and horror, about a most unusual storm, and really, what would you do if it happened?

I saw the BANKSY exhibit in Bristol this weekend, but I'll update about that later. Needless to say, the 1 1/2 hour queue outside in weather that threatened rain the whole time was worth it. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A LINK!

Thursday, 16 July 2009


Off to Bristol tomorrow for the weekend, to check out the Banksy exhibit at the museum! When I return to the internet, I'll upload about THREE BASTARD REVIEWS of books, for all y'all.


That reminds me - my friend's a Laundry Cowboy. He has a Clothes Horse


Monday, 13 July 2009


Currently watching this on Zone Horror.

It's a police procedural where the culprits are killer cockroaches. It's got another 40 minutes to wow me but I'm enjoying it so far. A couple of peculiar things first:

When the film started, I thought "ahh looks like it's from 1989" but after about ten minutes, I re-evaluated and thought "nope, 1991". Then a character used the internet, so I thought "might be a bit later" THEN some cheapo CGI bugs turn up so I thought "aahhh MUST BE 1994, surely no later". I also thought this because there's an actor who falls firmly into the 'hey I know him!' camp, who is familiar from 90's movies. THEN Mickey Rourke turns up, looking older than he did in '94...

I quickly checked online and it's actually from 2001! I don't think I've ever seen such a mid-90's film before, that isn't from the mid-90's. And it has a kid with a computer array that involves a hammock that just screams 1990's!!!!!!!!! in it.

Also, a house explodes. And when it did, I thought "this must be from the 90's because that reminds me of the house explosion from Last Action Hero". But it was! They used the same footage! Another quick check reveals that this film also uses footage from Chain Reaction and Rush Hour, but I haven't seen those films in a while so I don't know which bits. There is a bus crash at the beginning, that seemed quite ambitious compared to everything that followed, so maybe that's from one of those films.

Anyway. The majority of the characters are pretty well done - I particuarly like the sweet kid sister to the brooding lead chap, andnot just because she's cute. The slightly bitch-faced female cop is also well-presented. Her arrogant twat of a partner is just screaming to get covered in ropey-looking bugs, so I've got my fingers crossed for that. Ah, a good guy's just got knocked out and woken up in a room filled with rustling crisp packets - I mean, cockroaches. I can't wait to see if the budget stretches to showing him getting eaten.


Right. So, first of all, this turned out to be one of those deplorable films in which scenes contained within the trailer don't appear in the film itself. I don't think I've been so disappointed in this respect since watching Accion Mutante.

You'd think, a film like They Crawl, which uses footage from other films, would try to make the most of what original footage they had. But nope. They couldn't be bothered. On this note, I'm pretty sure the warehouse explosion at the end of this film is from Chain Reaction. A theory compounded by the following scene, in which burning rubble is shown from the point of view of the ruined building ie the camera's positioned where the building used to be, with a scattering of flaming rubble, so we don't figure out that this film didn't actually have the budget to blow up a building.

Ah the budget. As already mentioned, there are a bunch of CGI cockroaches shown at intermittent intervals. Not that scary. But do you know what is? A giant cockroach made out of all the smaller ones! The very fact this film has this happen should soot it right to the top of my 'ace' list, but the monster looks shit. Really shit. I've said it before and I'll say it again: CGI is largely shit. Give me practical effects any day of the week!

Poor show, They Crawl.


Library of the Living Dead is THE number one site for zombie books, and one of their current topics is http://libraryofthelivingdead.lefora.com/2009/05/30/zombonauts-zombies-in-space-a-new-antho-by-lotld/page1/ <--- right there!

That's right, they're after stories about zombies in space. But, thinking of an idea that doesn't involve the undead on a spaceship is extremely difficult. Hmmmm. Time to use my BRRRAAAAIIINNSS!!!!!!!!!

*not exactly a competition, but, you know.

Sunday, 12 July 2009


I'm going to have to calm right down with writing for a little while, as I'm spending many, many hours typing, and I keep getting intense blasts of vertigo that last all day, and staring at a computer screen really doesn't help it. It runs in the family, apparently. The vertigo, not the need to write continuously.

Having said that, I'm still doing a little bit of writing, mainly back on my 'superhero fantasy comedy'. I've just reached 10, 000 words on it, so another 60k or so and I can call it a novel haha I think I can do it, considering it's taken 9, 000 words to mention the main plot for the first time (not that the preceeding 8, 000 were wasted on guff). We'll see, anyways.

I'll update QUIET, PLEASE! soon with a new book review of an old book. Keep 'em peeled like onions, kiddies! xxx

Thursday, 9 July 2009


is apparently the average amount of licks it takes to eat a standard ice cream, like what you done get from those roving automobiles what sells them with the flakes.

I sometimes wish I had superpowers. Maybe speed, the ability to do mega leaps, and the power to punch a building to death. But then I become privvy to the slowly dawning realisation that my powers would be completely wasted on this world. Sure, I'd go off, maybe wearing my underwear over my jeans, and lots of black. I'd patrol the town, watching dilligently from the rooftops. But, to be fair, Scunthorpe doesn't really need a superhero. Because it's a bit too small. And not bothered by crimes the police can't handle (well that's the theory anyway AAHHHH SATIRE). So I'd probably have to move to London.

London, with it's sprawling miles of urban development and veritable encyclopaedia of crimes. A small fact: the original London A - Z, when it was first published in 1897, was actually a list of the crimes found being perpetrated in the capital. Canny marketing types soon twigged that tourists didn't want to know exactly how they could die, or be parted from their jewels. So, they made it about roads. Sales plummeted by 29% in the next year.

I think there might be too many crimes to stop in London. Plus, London is very expensive. I'd have to try and strike up a contract with the government so I could actually get paid. However, I'd then be "owned" by the country, making me their very own super weapon. I don't like the idea of this at all. I kind of imagine I'd be a bit more of a mercenary superhero. I wouldn't do anything too mean, but I would like to blow things up. I could stop a car of bank robbers by blowing it up. I could clear the way for a divebombing passenger jet by blowing up the housing estate it's due to crash land into. And so forth.

Also, if I worked for the government I'd be expected to do loads of really shitty jobs, like chasing muggers, or beating up junkies. And I'd only get two weeks holiday a year. And then I'd go on holiday, and find out that due to the terms of my contract, the country I'm now in shares diplomatic ties with the UK, so I'd be inclined to help stop crimes for them. On my days off!

I could charge a silly amount of money for my contract, to counter-act all this, but then I'd feel obliged to stop entire armies or something, to earn my pay. I don't think I'd quite want to do anything so mental.

But most importantly of all, no superhero wants to use their powers to stop normal criminals. Unless what ever gave me my powers also souped up someone else to be my nemesis, I really don't see the point in using my amazing abilities to apprehend a bag snatcher, or calm down drunks leaving a nightclub at 3am. I could, quite easily, but it raises a whole 'the cops are no longer needed' argument, which means I'd make enemies in the police forces because with me around, they're redundant. The next stop from that would be bigwigs from those agencies (police, army, etc) setting up some kind of Anti-Superhero task force, probably splintering off from the main government, and trying to kill and/or dishonour me, in revenge for taking their jobs. And maybe their women. I do suppose bitches get hot for a superhero who captures rapists and paedophiles. I'm making the world safe for them and their kids! How grateful they'd be.

I wouldn't take advantage though. I'd have honour, even if I practiced dubious morales. I could always get bored and do a Spider-Man 3; wear eyeliner, put my fringe over my face, start jazz dancing and beating up women. Turn, not evil, just...in to a bit of a shit. That might get boring real quick too, since I'd decimate whoever got sent after me, making the whole thing pointless.

Until that time, I can make do with watching the insane run of brand new gameshows ITV seems to be shovelling into it's 5pm slot. I strongly suspect they are throwing as much shit as possible at the eyes of Britain's viewers, and seeing what doesn't get wiped away.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009


"Hey son, what you doing?"

"Hey mum, I'm just looking at some websites and magazines I can send my stories to."

"Do any of them pay?"

"Er, yes, but most are 'token' payment, and quite a lot don't offer payment at all..."

"You really need to do something that gets you money."

You're wasting your time doing something I previously gave you praise for. Furthermore, you read Stephen King, and he makes a lot of money from writing, so why aren't you now making a lot of money from it? I have no idea what I'm talking about. What's the point of doing *anything* if you don't get paid?

This conversation seems to happen every single week. Every. Single. Week.


The days march on and I keep churning stuff out. After finding a properly friendly writer's forum and receiving some genuinely helpful and constructive comments, I feel a bit more in tune with writing. Does the protagonist earn their place in the story? Whose point of view does the story follow? And so forth.

Anyway. Working on a stor in, what I think, could be/probably is my strongest genre: NOIR. Although, JAZZ might be a better description haha I'm working on a short story that is nowhere near short enough to send off yet. I don't know why some of my best ideas always take up more room. Maybe because I've got more to write about...?

Anyway x 2: the characters and ideas used in the current story have definitely got legs, so I'm going to try my luck at querying the possibility of turning it into a 'serial'. Might not have any luck, might get lucky. I can but try.

And that's it really. I've been toying with the idea of putting some short stories on here to 'publicise' my work to anyone who actually bothers reading this.................Maybe. We'll see ;)

Thursday, 2 July 2009


I mean, really, really hot. I've burnt my knees.

I'm okay though, because I used to live in Australia. That's your Rev. Austin fact for today. I have dual nationality between the UK and Oz, which is handy. I enjoyed living there, as the people were very relaxed - which is probably why I'm so laidback. I'd probably be better off back there actually, as my temperament doesn't suit England's high-stress busybusybusy climate haha.

Why do people complain about the heat here, when they go off on holiday for the heat? Maybe because it's unnatural in this country. Or maybe just because the British love to moan. Or...BOTH?

In other news: I can't win. I either make a sandwich with fresh salad in-between stale bread, or use fresh bread and a combination of clever ingredients that put people off. Seriously, some people can be really thick.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009


Now. Rejections.

It always comes down to subjectivity. It always does. I went to a writer's convention a little while ago where one of the writers said it helps if you can get a mentor to read over your stuff. Someone who knows what they're talking about. It was easy for him to say, though, as he had bloody Ramsey Campbell as his mentor. He also suggested getting a lecturer from an English course to act as one. Again, that's easy to say as he was a teacher.

What about those of us who don't know horror writer legends or teach English? Or studied English at a higher degree and therefore have the ability to ask someone? I am lucky enough to have some fairly litarate friends with sound judgement. However, those same friends are highly unreliable so I can't count on them to help me go over stuff. Which is fair enough since some of them are either busy writing their own magnum opus or, er, on the dole. Hmmm.

Also on my mind: ambiguity in writing. But more on that in another post.